By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
April 1, 2015
It probably comes as no surprise to my readers that I didn’t attend my high school senior prom. My master plan of secretly obsessing over Lori Freeman beginning in eighth grade until a few weeks before the big dance while NEVER asking her out during those intermediate five years shockingly blew up in my face.
Lori caught wind that after nearly half a decade I was finally going to ask her out; instead of forthrightly turning me down, she decided not to show up for Mrs. Maza’s journalism class that afternoon.
Believe it or not (based on my behavior on this website), I didn’t take this rejection well. I stopped talking to Lori and acted like a HUGE baby over my own stupidity. And my temper tantrum continued when Becky Friedman wanted to go to prom with me, but I let it be known that if Lori wouldn’t go with me … I wasn’t going.
(Freeman. Friedman. Yep, my school had a TON of Muslims.)
A girl — I might remind you — whom I had never even taken to dinner because I was a big coward who was terrified of being rejected.
Anyway, why am I rehashing the torture of my high school years on the pages of the DirtSpurt right now? Because a couple of weeks ago, I finally got to experience the sensation of being the belle of the ball™ (Anthony Jeselnik) when a bunch of Detroit Lions fans started treating me like the high school star quarterback/homecoming king with Channing Tatum looks.
I was in a meeting and wasn’t quite sure what the hell was going on, but my iPhone started blowing up with Twitter mentions, Facebook messages and email missives asking if I wanted to be a Lions season ticket holder’s “Plus One” for a Town Hall at Ford Field featuring Tom Lewand, Jim Caldwell and other Lions dignitaries.
This event turned me into 1979 John Travolta with disgruntled Lions fans begging me to attend and blast “Breath Mints” Lewand, Jr. for losing Ndamukong Suh ……
I finally accepted the invite of one Patrick “Mister” Higgins mainly because Higgins wasn’t going to attend, which meant I wouldn’t have to converse with any of my insane readers.
Also, I thought accepting the invitation from a “Mr. Higgins” was a good omen considering things at Ford Field might be “quite the tensest” ….
While some of my “suitors” were a tad concerned that my shenanigans would lead to their season tickets being revoked, Mr. Higgins was actually HOPEFUL that I would do something so reprehensible that the Ford Family would drop the hammer.
Suicide by cop, if you will.
Anyway, I have done some crazy shit over the last few years under my alias “Jiff Myst.” I’ve crashed a Dave Dombrowski presser; gotten tossed from a Pistons game for blasting Joe Dumars ; and facetiously accused a Tigers PR hack of being an anti-Semite for not allowing me into another DD media gathering.
I wasn’t worried or nervous about any of those previous events but this “Town Hall” had me a little spooked, to be quite honest. First of all, the Lions’ organization really hates me. They once tried to get me thrown in jail over a harmless PhotoShop project.
Second, I figured that at some point, when I started asking obnoxious questions of Lewand, I would get jumped by a bunch of angry Lions gestapo members. And considering that earlier in the day I was going through physical therapy for torn ligaments in my right ankle, I didn’t think that would be a beneficial result.
“Umm, Mr. Moss, your range of motion has really decreased since your last laser treatment. What happened?”
“Oh, Lions’ Director of Security Elton Moore fell on my ankle while tackling me because I asked Joe Lombardi why he turned Calvin Johnson into a possession receiver.”
Hell, I was so concerned about the logistics of pulling this off that I consulted with the genius behind the Anthony Wiener and Roger Goodell presser intrusions.
Yep, Howard Stern writer (and the anal receptacle for Perez Hilton’s index finger) Benjy Bronk graciously provided me this bit of wisdom before I headed into the belly of the beast ….
I was a little confused because I don’t think Bronk called Greg Aiello asking for permission before crashing Goodell’s Ray Rice train wreck, but I appreciated the response nonetheless.
So I entered Ford Field last night to find the following setup …..
There were hundreds in attendance and it appeared that asking my questions of Lewand was going to be more difficult than I thought. And then things got worse.
The ENTIRE point of a Town Hall is to take questions from the people whom you invited to the shindig. This is ALWAYS done with a “Q & A” session that includes a roving live microphone. Those are the Town Hall rules, even if shit goes off the rails sometimes …..
Not having a live mic at a Town Hall is like having a football team without a playoff victory in 23 years. What’s the point?
Instead, the Lions had their season ticket holders write out their questions in advance on forms from which emcee Dan Miller would supposedly pull. Shit, there is more freedom of expression in Vladimir Putin’s Russia. What a fucking joke.
And in the spirit of this nonsense, I filled out my piece of paper. I checked off the box that stated the question was for Lewand, wrote my name on the slip and simply asked …
“Mentos or Tic-Tacs?”
[SPOILER ALERT: Dapper never posed this query to the Lions’ President.]
It was then time to find a spot from which to watch this brainwashing fest that would have David Miscavige drooling. But before I reached my seat I saw the team’s propaganda team conspiring on how to spin the loss of Suh and #1PlayoffWinIn57Years ….
Yep, Tim Twentyman and fellow Detroit News sellout Mike O’Hara!!!!
I also bumped into MLive.com Lions beat writer Kyle Meinke — who is always very warm and friendly — and we joked about how he would need to bail me out of jail in a few hours. And as nice as Kyle is to me, the polar opposite can be said of his News counterpart Josh Katzenstein , who refused to make eye contact; wished me dead; laughed at the air cast on my foot; and put a curse on my entire family.
I have been nothing but nice to this fellow member of the tribe yet he treats me as if I have Ebola and AIDS and stole his girlfriend at a BBYO outing. Oh, well.
I finally made it to my seat where I was next to a longtime season ticket holder who somehow knew someone familiar with Lewand’s SAT score when he attended Shrine Catholic High School. I guess Tom didn’t do very well. I don’t remember there being a question on that aptitude test about repeatedly restructuring your Hall of Fame defensive tackle only to watch him walk out the door for nothing.
We had a good laugh about Lewand only having his current job because his dad was William Clay Ford’s longtime attorney and then Miller started the festivities.
Miller announced Lewand and I lustily booed the moron’s introduction, which caught the people sitting near me completely off guard. You would have thought I were Maxine Stuart in the Twilight Zone “Eye of the Beholder” episode, for Christ’s sake.
This seemed to draw the attention of security standing to the right of the stage, as my every move seemed to be tracked from that point forward. My sarcastic laughing; audible sighs at everything Caldwell had to say; and throwing my hands in the air at Lombardi’s comments might have had something to do with that perceived scrutiny as well.
Here were some of the lowlights from the panel ….
- Don’t worry about Suh leaving because Haloti Ngata is going to step right in and the defense isn’t going to miss a beat. Don’t mind the fact that Suh is now the highest-paid defensive player to ever play the game while Ngata is only a Lion because the Ravens didn’t want to pay his bloated salary.
- Caldwell actually compared Eric Ebron’s rookie season to Calvin’s. He alluded to the fact that many Lions fans were disappointed in Johnson’s rookie year just like Ebron’s. It’s a wonderful comparison except for the fact that IT NEVER HAPPENED. CalJo had over 700 yards receiving and 4 TDs his rookie year and EVERYONE thought he progressed just fine. It’s not very Christian to flat-out lie to people, Jim.
- Teryl Austin called Martin Mayhew — who was in Tallahassee for FSU’s draft day festivities — a “master” of the draft board. He said this with a straight face. I shit you not.
- The highlight of the evening was the performance of the franchise’s new special teams coach, Joe Marciano, who might be clinically insane. Marciano gives off the vibe of a dude who went off to Vietnam and never was the same upon his return. I wouldn’t be surprised if this man ONLY wants players with repeated brain injuries on kickoff returns. This nut might be the kookiest coach the team has ever seen…and they once employed a man who pulled up to a Wendy’s drive-thru butt-naked. Mark my words, Marciano is going to be a lot of fun.
The sheep were clearly enthralled …
After an hour of propaganda the “Town Hall” ended without even one question of substance from the audience having been asked.
Now, before I get to the video of me rushing up to the stage and asking Lewand questions in guerrilla fashion, let me say something about Dan Miller.
Look, I like Dan Miller. Dan Miller has been very good to me throughout the 13 year reign of terror of this website. To this day, Dan Miller is still the only person who has EVER legitimately given the DSR a mainstream platform by offering me spots on Friday episodes of Sportsworks.
And I know he has like 28 kids and a big nut with all of his children, pets and huge house in Northville. But even though you are the Lions radio voice, could you have just said no to this embarrassing dog-and-pony show?
I mean, the idea of a “Town Hall” for your season ticket holders is a nice one in theory — especially after you just bungled the Suh contract situation — but Joe Nathan would have laughed at the softballs Miller was tossing Lewand, Caldwell, Lombardi, etc.
Fuck, even congressmen who are running unopposed have to endure these sort of events where their loony constituents are allowed to grab the mic and ask whatever half-cocked questions they have in their deranged heads.
But the Lions? Nope. They had everyone drop their query in a comment box and Miller was handed only the most antiseptic questions posed.
This was the equivalent of agreeing to do a Redditt “Ask Me Anything” and saying NOTHING.
Of course, it IS easier to explain why you tried to defund ObamaCare for the 197th time than it is how a franchise can win only one playoff game in 57 years.
Have some fucking dignity, Dan. You’re better than this. Trust me. Let Twentyman or O’Hara or Matt Shepard run the next embarrassing “Town Hall” because it was as credible as this shit ….
After this farcical infotainment was over, my plan was to run up to the stage and start bombing Lewand with questions. I had three that I wanted to ask:
1) In the 19 years you have been with the organization, can you tell me how many playoff victories you’ve celebrated?
2) Other than being the son of William Clay Ford, Sr.’s attorney, what qualifies you to run a billion-dollar sports entity?
3) Does Tim Twentyman wash Suzanne and your delicates in cold water and does he use bleach?
So …. how did it go? Well, let’s check out the video evidence ….
A couple of things about the video ….
1) Thanks go out to the TREMENDOUS LOSER who actually asked TOM LEWAND, JR.,for a signature on his football. Who the fuck would want THAT? I haven’t seen such an instant degradation of value since the last time I drove a brand new car off the dealership lot. But that fanboy’s pathetic request did slow down Lewand long enough for me to ask two of my questions.
2) I really wanted to ask the question about Twentyman washing Suzanne’s undergarments but, unfortunately, Lewand is quicker than most of the team’s running backs since Barry Sanders retired.
Well, that’s my report for Shill and SheepFest 2015. I hope you enjoyed and don’t forget the phrase that doesn’t pay ….
#1PlayoffWinIn57Years