By Tommy Hodge
thomas.hodgejr@gmail.com
August 20, 2013
[Editor's Note: I am a bleeding heart liberal and do not condone any progressive bashing or "bro culture" meanness to the homeless people of Austin, Texas. -- Moss.]
Believe it or not there are A LOT of homeless mother fuckers in Austin, TX. I moved down here last year and was blown away at the abundance of grimy bastards begging for beer money at major intersections. These bastards get pretty creative with their signs, saying they are in a band traveling across the country and in need of gas money, or even flat out asking for beer money. Do I ever give them a dime? Fuck no. Is that callous? Maybe.
The one time I gave one of those stinky mother fuckers some money, it was at a 7-11 gas station in Houston. I sat in my truck and waited to see what the dude did. Guy takes my fiver and buys himself a six pack of Lonestar (shitty Texas beer). NEVER AGAIN.
What the fuck does this have to do with Elysium? Shut up. I am getting to that. Handouts. Everyone wants them. It’s never going to be an even playing field. Stop whining. You’re either born rich, got lucky, you’re self made. Do I wish I was Mark Zuckerberg and could wipe my ass with $100s and bathe in Dom? Sure, but I’m not. So fuck him.
So let’s talk about this liberal Hollywood piece of shit movie with giant political and social undertones. Its like the year 2355 or something, and the Earth is complete horseshit. Think of if someone dropped a nuke on Detroit, and everyone that was left looked like they were straight out of Mad Max.
The earth is extremely polluted, and all the rich fuckers escaped to Elysium which is a giant space station. Matt Damon (insert Team America clip) plays some former car-jacking criminal who wanders into some extreme radiation field at his bullshit job making robots.
Dude has 5 days to live. FUCK. Well LUCKILY they happen to have some machine on Elysium that can make all his boo-boo’s go bye-bye. Problem is they don’t let all the white trash from Earth get up there, with the rich and privileged, so Matt Damon has to find some way to get up there before he croaks. How is he going to get up there?
SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL. Damon is gonna have to beg, borrow, and steal to get himself in that machine before he peaces out. Poor Matt. Maybe if you weren’t a total fuck up to begin with you would be up on that ship instead of making minimum wage in some hell hole.
So go see this shit and see what happens. Does he get there? I DUNNO ASSHOLE . GO SEE IT. OR READ THE WIKI PAGE. NO SPOILERS HERE.
So what did I think? Well the action scenes were alright. No boobs at all. Thought it was a weird role for Damon. Overall on a scale of Stoney Case to Barry Sanders I will give it a Jon Kitna. Guy gets the job done, but can you take that stupid cross hat off your fat head you look like an idiot.
(You can compare notes with the DSR’s movie reviewer on Twitter. His handle is @TommyHodge.)