By Jeff Moss
DetroitSportsRag@GMail.com
August 26, 2014
As that DSR-exclusive photograph above would illustrate, this upcoming season will be the first since the John F. Kennedy assassination that won’t involve William Clay Ford, Sr. as sole owner of the Detroit Lions.
Yes, after a historically awful ownership run that not only saw his team win just ONE playoff game in half a CENTURY of action but also included every misstep known to mankind EXCEPT Fredo Ford, Sr. instructing Chrissie Wywrot to not bring African-American men as guests to Ford Field, we are at the dawn of a new era of Detroit Lions football.
The worst owner in professional sports ownership is dead and his son, Bill Ford, is now in charge of this pathetically embarrassing franchise. (Yeah, I know the team is “officially” owned by William Clay’s widow and well-known cheerleader hater, Martha, but let’s be adults about this and all agree that this is just some sort of tax dodge for the moment.)
The storylines entering the 2014 season are absolutely fascinating for many reasons, one of which being the “new” ownership; the younger Ford now possessing the reins without his old man around clearly makes this a crossroads year for the perennial losers.
If there is one thing on which jaded and apathetic “fans” like myself and the 60,000 slapdicks who continue to pay for this pathetic product on a yearly basis can agree, it is that the Lions have positioned themselves to win THIS SEASON.
In an effort to further insulate their former-#1-overall quarterback Matthew Stafford, they have now provided him with a head coach who has worked with Peyton Manning and an offensive coordinator who has had success with Drew Brees. Lions brass has also surrounded Stafford with the best wide receiver on the planet; an armada of running backs, TWO tight ends who were first-round draft picks; an expensive wide receiver free agent from the Super Bowl champion; and a quality offensive line.
Richard and Kathy Hilton think that Martin Mayhew and Tom “Breath Mints” Lewand have spoiled Stafford for [Trout's] sake.
Everything the Lions have put in motion since shitcanning Jim Schwartz has been done with a “win now” mindset, including declining Nick Fairley’s 2015 contract option in an effort to motivate the fat turd defensive lineman.
This includes idiotically hiring a “safe” Jesus freak coach with [a VERY mixed bag of] experience over either a fresh-faced coordinator or a collegiate head man.
All we’ve heard from Allen Park is that the Lions have to win IMMEDIATELY and there probably is a damn good reason for that.
You see, there were rumblings when Schwartz was fired that Mayhew was on the chopping block as well. Mayhew somehow convinced the Ford Family that he should be given another shot and that the team’s 29-51 record under his stewardship was mostly Schwartz’s fault.
Now, keep in mind that Ford, Sr. didn’t croak until March 9th of this year, months after any decision was made about Mayhew’s future. And while nobody knows how much input the old, incompetent boob had in deciding to retain Mayhew while letting Schwartz walk, we DO KNOW that Bill Ford ALWAYS showed deference to his father when it came to major Lions decisions.
We also know that Sr. never wanted to fire any of his player personnel chiefs, leading to us having to endure the Matt Millen Holocaust for eight years instead of three or four.
Hell, in deciding to PROMOTE Mayhew after his stellar stint which followed the Millen travesty, Ford, Sr. didn’t even INTERVIEW ANYONE other than Mayhew for the gig; this was much to the chagrin of commissioner Roger Goodell who had INTERCEDED for this sorry franchise and compiled a list of potential GMs who could hopefully resurrect a team coming off a humiliating 0-16 season.
And as I’ve stated in the space numerous times previously, the only reason the team didn’t get slapped with a second “Rooney Rule” violation (Mariucci’s hiring being the first) was due to Mayhew’s skin pigmentation.
I mean, Dave Dombrowski, Doug Fister, Mike Rizzo and Robbie Ray don’t even think Ford, Sr. did his due diligence prior to removing the interim tag from Mayhew’s job description.
But now Mayhew’s benefactor is pushing up daisies and the franchise is clearly all-in for the upcoming season. It might work out just fine for everyone involved.
Maybe the Lions’ offense is going to be a well-oiled machine in 2014, compensating for any glaring issues in the team’s secondary.
Maybe Stafford will finally put it all together, assisted by a collection of offensive weapons that puts the US military to shame.
Maybe the team’s defense won’t be the weak link that many predict it will be and Ndamukong Suh and Fairley will enjoy career years while playing for new contracts.
And maybe Caldwell’s special connection to the Almighty and his 180-degree personality change from Schwartz will mask his atrocious in-game management, which once caused Peyton Manning to do this:
And maybe, just maybe, the DSR’s second-in-command, Justin Spiro, will be proven correct and this team will win 10 to 11 games and even equal the last 56 years of playoff futility with a postseason win next January.
But I am not buying it. These are the FUCKING LIONS we are talking about. It is more likely that Stafford will get injured and that Dan Orlovsky (hahahahahhhaaha) will be forced to helm the ship.
Or that Calvin Johnson will go down, leaving Kris Durham as the #2 wide receiver. Again.
Or that Nick Fairley implodes from fast food; the kicking game costs the team a win or two; and the secondary is as horrid as we expect it to be.
Because NOBODY has ever gone broke betting against the Lions. This franchise is the Bizarro World axiom of going to Vegas and looking at all of the immaculate hotels on the strip and saying to yourself, “Those monstrosities didn’t get built because people leave this town with money in their pockets.”
And that is why this season is so fascinating. Either the Lions win TEN games for the third time in 20 years and qualify for the playoffs or Martin Mayhew enters the offseason as a self-admitted failure while facing the prospect of watching Suh walk out the door for NOTHING IN RETURN without the benefit of having a delusional octogenarian calling the shots
And how the fuck is he going to answer for this if things turn to shit in 2014?:
And that DEPRESSING graphic doesn’t even tell half the story of the 2011 draft debacle. I will let the fine ESPN Lions beat writer — and sharer of my ancestry — Michael Rothstein elaborate on that …..
This is going to be complicated. In the fifth round of this draft, the Lions had to flip their initial pick, the 140th selection, with Kansas City, which had the 154th pick. The Lions then traded down three places to 157 to take Doug Hogue. If I were the Lions, I would have stayed at No. 154. Why? The player Seattle took in that spot was a decent cornerback out of Stanford. His name – Richard Sherman.
If the Lions win in 2014, I guess Mayhew can sweep April of 2011 under Mark “The Man” Wilson’s rug. But if the team tanks again after a five-year period of averaging 5.8 wins per season, how do you explain that in 2011 you drafted more felony arrests than contributing players? By A LOT.
Well, let’s put it this way, I am guessing Ford, Jr. will want to put his OWN stamp on this team, which would mean this organization FINALLY pulling a Deputy Marshall Girard and executing a “hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse” for a COMPETENT GENERAL MANAGER with a successful pedigree.
Ya know, something that eluded his [recovered] alcoholic sperm donor for over 50 years.
And what do newly-hired General Managers usually do when they take over a new situation? They bring in their own head coach.
So for Caldwell’s sake, I sure hope he can somehow coax a winning season out of this sad-sack organization because as hard as it is to fathom the Lions paying THREE head coaches in 2015, I can easily foresee that scenario occurring.
Like I said, this is going to be a fascinating season for the Detroit Lions and one of the most intriguing in years.
Monday Night against the Giants can’t get here soon enough.